Ball's Bluff (Holmes's Sestina) (Zoning)


The night before I left I spoke with Fanny,

I told her I was sad I was leaving her to fight,

She told me she wanted to be at my side.

That it would be holy for us to die together to make men free,

I said I would do my best to live,

That my love for her would never die.


At Ball's Bluff fortune cast her die,

A spent shot struck me on the fanny,

Battle smoke rose like a gray wraith, curling, live,

I ran away and toward the middle of the fight,

We were retreating from Virginia to the land of the free,

I felt no animus for the Rebs on the other side.


III

As I ran a Minie ball pierced my chest on the near right side,

I said, "I'm a gone coon, I'm gonna die,

God of this damn pain I wanna be free."

I closed my eyes and thought of Fanny,

I disbelieved in my belief in the fight,

In reason, in morals, in the will to live.


IV

My father the doctor knew it could be better not to live,

I had laudanum hidden in a vial in a pocket by my side,

With it I could peacefully die,

Think last thoughts of Fanny,

I told the surgeon that if I felt no better in the morning I would take it, give up the fight,

From accursed pain I would be forever free.


When light came from suff'ring I was not free,

But now I wanted to live,

I buried  the vial and thought of Fanny,

Wracked wraith though I would be, I wanted her by my side,

Only with her did I want to die,

To be with her was all, I would continue the fight.


For long years I told a lie to explain why I continued to fight,

Now of my peccadillo I'm resolved to be free,

Let the wheel take a turn to truth before I die.

My lie: I said the vial was missing, not that I wanted to live,

That even as a shell, I would be by my beloved's side,

That my omega and my alpha was Fanny.


The time has come at last, I no longer want to live,

I can no longer be by her side,

She is dead and gone, my Fanny.





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